I found draft 4 one of the hardest parts to re-draft. The comments I received on the previous draft were mainly to condense the descriptions down yet make them more effective, tone down Toby's dad (i.e. make him less psycho), and make it funnier.
I clearly felt that these points are ones that I struggled with a lot. I sized down my descriptions to an average of 4 lines per paragraph but it was very hard to be as descriptive as possible within those lines. I'm not exactly sure I have done extremely well doing this but I have given it my best shot and if they need changing in the next draft I shall try even harder.
For influence of descriptions I read the Breaking Bad pilot script and the White Van Man script (since it is a BBC Three sitcom). I tried to make my descriptions as similar to these as possible by using these as examples.
Another change that was made was the changes to Toby's Dad's attitude. In Draft 3 he was very violent which didn't fit very well with the rest of his character, in other words his character was too over the top. To correct this I still made him insane but it's a lot more subtle than the previous draft. He still has a huge impact on Toby's life but now he a more controlling and insane father rather than a violent and insane father.
Making the whole script funnier was the hardest factor to include in this draft. In previous scripts I have tried to come up with the best (or most random) jokes as I can write, however it isn't the easiest thing to try and think of something off the top of your head, especially if you want it to be at a high level. I felt that the jokes that I thought about this week were either too random, too offensive or not funny enough compared to the level I have already written. This isn't to say that I haven't added jokes however they aren't as good as some of the others already in the script.
Friday, 24 October 2014
Monday, 13 October 2014
Major Project: Draft 3 edits
Having finished my 3rd draft of the script I have made a few changes regarding scenes, back stories and being more fucked up.
A few of the scenes in draft 2 have been moved around and/or deleted, for example I have now gotten rid of the first scene where we see Toby in his house and replaced it with Toby sitting with Elsie in Marco's cafe, this is now the first time we see Toby as an adult.
As I have said in previous blogs I am now trying to include a moment of Toby's life in each episode (preferably at the start). The starting scene in this episode is taking place at a parents evening where Toby and his father experience a very awkward situation which ends up with Toby's father telling teachers, parents and their children to fuck off. This scene gives Toby more of an in-depth back story compared to draft two as we get to see who Toby's father really is (a crazy person) and how he influenced Toby's life, making him the way he is now.
For Bobbers there is sort of a back story for him at the end but it is not made entirely clear to the viewer. The reason I have done this is because I really want to put Bobbers' back story at the end of the series as the last two episodes start to show conflict between Bobbers and Toby, when Bobbers reaches his lowest point that's where he tells his story.
I have also tried to make the script more fucked up, these more fucked up scene do make the script funnier and my motive for writing these scenes are to make the viewer think "What the fuck is he doing?!" or "What the hell is going on here" In terms of being more fucked up, I have made Toby's dad more of a psychopath, the scenes with him in are generally more messed up. Even when we hear from Elsie what their father did, the impression that you will get from him should be "how is this guy allowed to have children?!" for example Toby's dad punched a deer to death infront of his children's faces, tried to teach dogs to sing, through shit filled shoes from orphans and eventually died in the Cobra Pit at the zoo where he tried to find a good belt (Marks and Spencers just didn't do it for him).
A few of the scenes in draft 2 have been moved around and/or deleted, for example I have now gotten rid of the first scene where we see Toby in his house and replaced it with Toby sitting with Elsie in Marco's cafe, this is now the first time we see Toby as an adult.
As I have said in previous blogs I am now trying to include a moment of Toby's life in each episode (preferably at the start). The starting scene in this episode is taking place at a parents evening where Toby and his father experience a very awkward situation which ends up with Toby's father telling teachers, parents and their children to fuck off. This scene gives Toby more of an in-depth back story compared to draft two as we get to see who Toby's father really is (a crazy person) and how he influenced Toby's life, making him the way he is now.
For Bobbers there is sort of a back story for him at the end but it is not made entirely clear to the viewer. The reason I have done this is because I really want to put Bobbers' back story at the end of the series as the last two episodes start to show conflict between Bobbers and Toby, when Bobbers reaches his lowest point that's where he tells his story.
I have also tried to make the script more fucked up, these more fucked up scene do make the script funnier and my motive for writing these scenes are to make the viewer think "What the fuck is he doing?!" or "What the hell is going on here" In terms of being more fucked up, I have made Toby's dad more of a psychopath, the scenes with him in are generally more messed up. Even when we hear from Elsie what their father did, the impression that you will get from him should be "how is this guy allowed to have children?!" for example Toby's dad punched a deer to death infront of his children's faces, tried to teach dogs to sing, through shit filled shoes from orphans and eventually died in the Cobra Pit at the zoo where he tried to find a good belt (Marks and Spencers just didn't do it for him).
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