I found draft 4 one of the hardest parts to re-draft. The comments I received on the previous draft were mainly to condense the descriptions down yet make them more effective, tone down Toby's dad (i.e. make him less psycho), and make it funnier.
I clearly felt that these points are ones that I struggled with a lot. I sized down my descriptions to an average of 4 lines per paragraph but it was very hard to be as descriptive as possible within those lines. I'm not exactly sure I have done extremely well doing this but I have given it my best shot and if they need changing in the next draft I shall try even harder.
For influence of descriptions I read the Breaking Bad pilot script and the White Van Man script (since it is a BBC Three sitcom). I tried to make my descriptions as similar to these as possible by using these as examples.
Another change that was made was the changes to Toby's Dad's attitude. In Draft 3 he was very violent which didn't fit very well with the rest of his character, in other words his character was too over the top. To correct this I still made him insane but it's a lot more subtle than the previous draft. He still has a huge impact on Toby's life but now he a more controlling and insane father rather than a violent and insane father.
Making the whole script funnier was the hardest factor to include in this draft. In previous scripts I have tried to come up with the best (or most random) jokes as I can write, however it isn't the easiest thing to try and think of something off the top of your head, especially if you want it to be at a high level. I felt that the jokes that I thought about this week were either too random, too offensive or not funny enough compared to the level I have already written. This isn't to say that I haven't added jokes however they aren't as good as some of the others already in the script.
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